Boundaries
by Living.Proof.Cowardice
Summary: Wasn't a matter of self-respect, wasn't about my dignity or being proud or coming out whole. He was my brother, he was more than my brother; he needed more than anger outta me and I gave it.


_Disclaimer: (disclaimer details here, you know the drill)_

* * *

_Everything kind of started when Master Splinter died. Came outta nowhere, caught us totally unprepared- left us with just each other._

_Alone._

_And it really hit Leo then, that he'd been the leader and still had to be the leader. Maybe we should've all sat down and talked everything over before he triggered his overly responsible reflexes. He got different. Harder. Don't think I ever saw him react when sensei didn't wake up._

_Didn't get angry like the rest of us did at some point. Didn't cry. Just put us back into training the morning after the funeral._

_Sparring was just that much more intense than it used to be. Threw a few unnecessary punches at us. Think I was the only one that noticed it. Even if I wasn't, I was the only one who decided to give it a real target before it got much worse._

_Didn't tell Mikey or Don what was happening. Just made things easier, knowing they wouldn't get caught up trying to interfere. So I kept an eye on them and got an emergency out._

_Thank God for April._

* * *

"Just…I'm gonna need you guys to do me a favor sometimes."

"What do you need?"

"I- me and-" Raph broke off with a frustrated sigh, palming his face. "Mike and Don might- they might show up kinda unannounced some nights, alright?"

"Well that's a fairly regular occurrence as it is, isn't it? We won't turn them away, if that's what you're afraid of."

"No, that's not it- not exactly, I know you guys don't mind. But…I need you to make sure they stay until _I _call them or come pick 'em up myself. So- do you think you can-?"

"Of course we will. Raph, is everything alright?"

"Yeah; yeah, it's fine. Just…promise me you'll keep them here or find another place they can crash?"

"I promise."

"Thanks, Ape. I owe you one."

"Yeah, sure. Next time one of you guys saves my life we'll call it even." The turtle's mouth flickered in a passable half-smile as he turned back to the window to leave. "You know, if something's bothering you-"

"It's not a big deal or anything."

"Still. You can talk to me or to Casey; about anything. We wouldn't think any less of you if you needed help with something. You know that, right?"

"I know. I, uh, I gotta go. Don't let Mikey watch any of those stupid horror movies, they've been giving him nightmares- he'd come runnin' right into your room, middle of the night, no warning at all."

The woman laughed in spite of herself, letting the tension slip away like sand through the cracks in her fingers. "I'll be sure to get him to pick something more family friendly."

Raph chuckled in return and made his way onto the balcony, only to stop and stick his head back in. "And we got Don on a caffeine limit, he's been using it to keep himself up all night and he needs the sleep-"

"I've got it all under control, don't worry. If anything happens- even if it's just Mike having a nightmare- I'll call."

"Thanks. See you around."

* * *

_Should've known better than to think they wouldn't figure it out. April's a smart girl and Casey knows me like the back of his hand. Maybe it would've been better for me to just tell them the truth. _

_But nothing was wrong. Nothing to tell._

_They didn't believe me._

* * *

"You've always got fresh bruises."

"We're fucking fight magnets. Can't exactly avoid bruises."

"I'm not buyin' it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that apart from stopping by here to get Mike and Don- always straight here and straight back- you never even leave the sewers."

"Says who?"

"Says Donnie, that's who."

"…we still train every day. Sparring matches."

"Sparring never gave you bruises before."

"So I been pushing it a little lately."

"You've been-? Raph, do you even hear what you're saying?" Raphael looked away in silence, hands forming tight fists. "Making excuses, covering things up-"

"I ain't covering up anything."

"Bullshit. You're covering up plenty."

The teenager stood without warning, making his way to the apartment door. "I'm not staying to listen to this crap. Tell the guys I headed back a little early."

Casey stood in turn, more than willing to speak up where April seemed unable. "It's Leo, isn't it?"

Raphael hesitated; in the end, he said nothing and just kept walking.

* * *

_Don't know how long I went without talking to them after that. Few days, weeks, months, it all ran together. Stayed in the lair._

_Stayed in the dojo with Leo. Hits got a little too rough for just sparring, but I didn't call him on it. He had to get it out somehow. Didn't complain when I got the first black eye. Didn't fight when he pinned me. _

_Didn't say anything when we went past fighting and into completely different territory. Never thought about telling him we should stop, never thought about asking him to pull punches the next day. _

_-just dodge and kick and sweep and let everything shift and sweat and hold his shoulders-_

_Wasn't a matter of self-respect, wasn't about my dignity or being proud or coming out whole. He was my brother, he was more than my brother; he needed more than anger outta me and I gave it. Days, weeks, months, taking what he dished out and giving where I thought I didn't have any._

_-punch and block and open my legs and let it go and hold him closer and bleed and he was just fucking __**fearless**__-_

_Always looked sorry afterwards. Helped me get patched up. Be stupid to take it and not forgive him. It was all fine at the end of the day._

_He was fine, I was fine, we let it go._

_Days, weeks, months went by and I finally talked to April and Casey again._

* * *

"Raphael, I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what's going on. But…just because he's older, just because he's upset, that doesn't mean he's automatically allowed to- to do things like this."

"That's not…It's not his fault," Raph said, spinning on his heel to face them. He sank back into a kitchen chair, eyes pleading for them to understand. "It- he doesn't know he's doing it on purpose yet."

April exchanged concerned glances with the other human in the room. "Raph…"

"I push him into it. I make him come at me, I pick fights and get under his skin and get him to yell at me. It ain't his _fault._"

Casey's eyes narrowed dangerously. "It's yours."

"…yeah."

"You…sound like every beaten wife in the entire fucking city. 'It's not his fault, I should've known better, I shouldn't have burned dinner-'"

"Shut the fuck up, Case. You don't know a damn thing."

April quickly reached across the table and gently grasped the turtle's forearm. "We aren't trying to get into a fight with you, I swear we aren't. Please, just hear us out."

Raph pulled away slightly, face reading discomfort. "Nothin' I wanna hear."

"No, of course not," Casey snarled, pushing himself back into a standing position. "You're too busy lyin' back taking abuse-"

Raphael was in his face in an instant, crumpling the collar of the man's shirt in his grip. "Don't you fucking dare accuse him of that!"

The human was undeterred. "I ain't accusing, I'm _telling _you what's right in front of my face!"

"Casey Jones, that is enough! We're not supposed to send him running home never to speak to us again, we're supposed to be trying to help! Now sit back down and shut the hell up!" April snapped, looking anxious and desperate.

"We don't need help. We're fine," Raph insisted, looking tired and annoyed. "Just- things've been weird. Not _Leo's_ fault everything's all fucked up."

"We're not saying that it is Leo's fault," she said in an attempt to be soothing. "But since Master Splinter- you know- things have been off-kilter for everybody. And Leo's been feeling a lot of stress because of it. Does that…sound right, so far?"

The glare Casey shot her was sharp and disbelieving, but he kept himself from snorting as Raph nodded warily. "Yeah. He's always been sort of next in the whole 'chain of command' thing and he thinks that means he's gotta take it all on himself. It all happened so fast, y'know? We weren't- none of us were _ready._"

"Especially him."

Another nod. God, it was so easy to forget- given their training and the blood they'd lost and the battles they'd fought- that they were still only children. Sixteen years old: inexperienced children who just wanted to do the right thing for their family. Even if it meant more suffering in the long run. The woman sighed.

"I…understand. Sometimes- when things like this happen- not everyone handles it the way they should. They don't know how to handle it, so they take it out wrongly. Maybe they make a lot of…bad choices, because they don't know what to do with that pain."

They could almost see the defensive walls forming around him, felt the slight charge as he bristled. "And you think Leo's one of them."

_Tread carefully. Don't say the wrong thing._ "I think he can't stop himself. I think he's hurt and afraid and doesn't know the right way to show it. And with you…taking it, like that, you might be doing more harm than good."

"Raph…he can't keep doing this. _You_ can't keep letting him. I think he needs to find a way to get help."

Anger flashed in the red-rimmed eyes, but he kept his voice from raising through sheer determination. There was no need to yell, he told himself. No reason to make them think it's any worse than they already do. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and strained. "There's nothing _wrong _with him."

"Except that he's been using you as his personal training dummy."

"I told you, I push him into it. If I didn't do that he'd never get it out."

* * *

_Nothing wrong with him. And there wasn't. Me and him, him and me, yin and yang, dark and light, night and day- can't be one without the other. That's how it always was, how it was always gonna be._

_Sooner we got used to it, the better. Everything shifting like a kaleidoscope. Couldn't tell anything from nothing anymore._

_Hits got harder, came less often. Easier to send Don and Mike out and just skip it all._

_-twist and grunt and breathe and push and pull and pant and roll, go over the edge and pull him back and dance and pull and push-_

* * *

April looked dangerously close to crying. "Raph, he shouldn't let himself get pushed. He never would have done that a few months ago. If he were thinking right, he'd tell you himself- he needs help."

The chair scraped loudly as he pushed to his feet once more. "_I'm_ helping him! I get it outta his system, I keep Don and Mike out of the lair when he's at his worst and I make sure that they don't know anything about it! I make sure they won't think any different about him once this blows over!"

"It isn't going to blow over. These things…they _don't_ blow over. They just escalate out of control until it's too late and someone gets more than a few bruises."

"Not _this_! We're different! I've got everything under control!"

She stayed calm simply to let him know how serious a matter this was. Calm in the face of vehement denial; let him see how he's reacting. "But you don't. Not really. You're just feeding the fire."

"No I'm not!" The anger drained from him as quickly as it had been sparked. His glare held not even a fraction of the power it used to have as he gripped the back of the chair. If Casey hadn't known any better, he'd have thought his friend was pleading. "I'm taking care of him. I'm taking care of all of them until things are okay again."

"Raph…" But April couldn't seem to find any more words. Casey was another story entirely.

"Master Splinter never woulda let this happen. He wouldn't've let any of you do something like this for even a second." Raph looked away sharply and the man pressed on. "And I know Mikey and Donnie, too, pal. If they knew you were doing this, letting it happen-"

"You can't tell them. Casey, you fucking can't, it would make everything pointless and they'd try to do something stupid-"

The man glared. "They'd do the smart thing and keep you from making the same stupid choice over and over again."

* * *

_Maybe I should've just kept avoiding them._

_I made a choice and no one got hurt, that makes it a good one. Easy to follow._

_They just didn't get it. Couldn't tell them everything. Wouldn't have been right._

* * *

"It's not a stupid choice. It's _not._ I can't- there's nothing else- I'm doing the only thing that any of us can do. If it was me Leo'd be doing the same thing. I know he would."

April shook her head sadly. "It's different when it's you. He knew how to handle you when you got angry. You could control yourself, even just a little bit, and he can't. There's such a difference between the two of you. You don't understand that now but someday you will, and you'll regret this entire thing."

"We're all he's got, and the only help that he's gonna get. He isn't gonna hurt me any worse than a good bruise once in a while and I'll knock some sense into him soon. You guys're the ones that don't understand right now."

Even as he turned to leave April was on her feet and reaching for him. "Please, please listen-"

"I did _listen_. I've done _enough_ listenin'. You don't get it, but that don't mean you need to get involved in this either."

"You're family, Raph. We were involved from the get-go."

He shook his head once, curtly denying the claim. "I can take a punch and I can take a few fights. And I can keep my brothers all safe and together."

"Until he moves on to Mike or Donnie."

Tension rippled through his shoulders as though moving through water- creating a disturbance and settling back into stillness. "Won't come to that. I told him, I made sure he knew that if he so much as breathed wrong at my little brothers they'd be in on the whole thing and I'd pack us up and leave."

Casey snorted. "You wouldn't leave. You say you would, but you wouldn't."

"Maybe that's true. But it's my choice. Send them out and stay to help Leo. Nothin' wrong with any of us."

And he was gone without another word.

His younger brothers found him two weeks later- in the dojo with Leo, going too far and with a broken arm to compliment it.

* * *

_Not his fault. Could've said no, could've stopped him anytime. I made my choice and it was the right one._

_I'm fine, he's fine, we let it go._

_Nothing wrong with us. Nothing wrong with any of us._

* * *

_That felt like an OOC debacle, didn't it? Just…couldn't get it out of my head._


End file.
